It’s funny, when I think back over the years. So much clutter, so many attempts at clearing it yet nothing seemed to work at that time for very long.
This year has been very clearing for me, energetically, emotionally, mentally and physically. It began on a physical level in April, as I looked at the heap of clothing on my bedroom floor I felt a sadness, the same clothes being worn and yet half a wardrobe of items I haven’t worn, wouldn’t wear again or just don’t fit. Now don’t get me wrong, I never had masses of clothing, but seeing that heap switched something within me, I felt a sadness deep within that churned.
I set to emptying everything I had as clothing on the bed, everything. From tired pants, to dresses that sparkled yet brought me no joy. Being kept for ‘just in case’ times. As I went through the pile, I held each item and asked myself if it brought me joy, if it made me smile and if I felt good in it. The answers to 80% of it was no. So I grabbed a black bin bag and removed many, many items from the pile. What was left was a small collection of clothing that made me smile, brought joy when handled and worn. I took the 2 bin bags to the charity shop locally and folded nearly each item that I had kept. I was surprised when it all fitted into a 35ltr plastic lidded box. A strange feeling of freedom washed over me and that was the beginning.
I headed to all the accumulated piles of paperwork in various places around the home. Oh my, more than I thought, hiding away in piles everywhere. No wonder it was stressful to lay my hands on anything needed at the time! I threw it all onto our large table, grabbed a washing basket and a small filing folder and began. This took much longer than clothing that I had done, there was so much of it. Old receipts from 4 years ago, pointless junk mail that had just sat there, pizza leaflets, empty envelopes….
It took hours, and hours but I ploughed on through it all, and was surprised when all I had left was a few important documents that were indeed needed. I filed them into the small folder and it hit me hard, we keep so much crap! Physically, emotionally, energetically and mentally. Walking into our home, you may not see it looking much different from others. Odd piles of things, amongst other items that have a home. But I came to the realisation that it wasn’t what you could see that was the problem as much as what it is that you don’t see, that inner landscape…
Not long after the physical clearing i had begun doing, I had a crash within myself. I found myself on the floor, skirt over head, grazes on my knees so to speak again. An internal full stop, a void even. I had visited this land within before a few times, it had been painful back then each time, yet was unprepared this time for the sheer emptiness, the silence inside that was so loud it was deafening. No words for a single soul who tried to communicate with me, just a silence. I had made a huge discovery and yet had no words to describe it, to be able to tell anyone about it.
I now know I can speak about it, although Maybe it will be too late for some relationships, severed beyond recovery. I won’t sit and wallow for they were hanging by a single thread already I guess. You see I can now see that the foundation for all strong connections need to be solid, not build upon lies, or deceit. Not built upon ultimatums nor fear, but love, trust, faithfulness and transparency.
I sat with that inner landscape for months, plunging into deep anxiety and finding solace within ocd I also lost my hearing one side at this time due to illness which probably didn’t help, may be it did. It allowed me to continue to fall, like alice in wonderland, falling and falling, deeper and deeper into what? Into myself. Was it painful and scary? Yes! Was it worth it? Most definitely. Spending days in bed, Ignoring the world, the deafening sound of shit that people were speaking, spouting endless reams of nothingness. I simply stopped as the world spun around me, and the more I stood still, the faster the world spun, people span, flapping and chirping. Oh the joy of simply being!
It is the beginning of October now and I found myself picking back up, I am going through all I own, picking up each item I have within my possession and asking if it brings me joy. If the answer is yes then it is simple, I keep it. If that answer is a no, or a wobbly maybe or not sure then I am purging it. I am no longer decluttering, that is something that would be endless, I am simply deciding what brings me joy and then making the decision to keep that within my life. After a day of taking things to the recycling centre, to the charity shop and sitting with the women I feel humbled to sit with in the circle I facilitate, I feel alive. I feel so much joy in my heart, for I am no longer decluttering my physical possessions only, I am deciding what to keep In my life. On a personal level as much as a possessional level.
I had no idea when I began this in April that I would be where I am now, what I do know is that I am exactly where I need to be. Removing toxicity from my life on so many levels. Maybe you could call it levelling up, rising up or even cleansing. Whatever you call it, it is real and it is life changing.
I will now stop at times to ensure I don’t have a build up of inner clutter and crap that needs processing and If I find it? I stop completley to investigate and deal with it in a loving yet firm way. We all must take care of our inner landscapes as much if not more than our exterior world’s. People pleasing, towing the uneven line of relationships in all its forms and being other peoples verbal punch bags for untamed emotions, undirected anger and torment is not ok. You are responsible for your actions, your choices not those of others, no matter how much they may throw at you whilst in a heightened emotion. Someone once apologised for the umptienth for exploding verbally, everyone else had walked away from them. There was a reason for that and not all of us learn that lesson quickly.
I will be continuing forwards when I wake tomorrow, I am on a journey with kuan yin and wow is all I can say, what an eye opener! I feel joy and gratitude on a level I didn’t know possible.
Now is my time, when is yours?