So, I have just realised it is Friday. I am finding this quite upsetting for a few reasons really. The last time I looked it was Wednesday, I have no idea where Monday or Tuesday went either and I feel as though I have been places, yet no where at all. I lost all sense of time and space. This has left me thinking I need to just be for a week in a cave, alone to write, to make sense of all I have felt whilst in this state of being but non being possibly.
My head feels fuzzy, I have woken from a sleep. I have slept! 2 hours of sleep but feel as though I have run s marathon just opening my eyes, I feel as tough I have a elephant on my chest and yet I wear only my knickers, a loose t shirt and the bed covers.
I can hear birds outside, it is not sunny anymore, more grey and lower outside. It is 12:49 on Friday and I have no idea where this week has gone, been. It is leaving me feeling shaken up and vulnerable, tearful even. I look down and I am surrounded by books, alchemy, natural magic, plant spirit medicine books all around me and coco the cat snoring in his whisper slumber. I have a bowl to the side of me with an inhaler and tissue also as I have been feeling much nausea and the coughing makes me want to puke my insides up.
I feel so detached from all that is around me, I hear my kids but I don’t. I hear the noises of the house but I don’t connect with them, the snore of the boys, the scratching of the woofer, the rush of the cold water feeding the washing machine. I don’t remember coming home, I can’t remember downstairs, I can’t feel my legs properly. I look around and see a mountain of clean washing, manic workings of a person who has stuff locked inside her that must come out, I see a sea of tissue from the lidocaine patches on the sides, the Meds in the bag next to the bed.
I seem to have been thrown into 2 different states of delirium this week, possibly a third being last night when I want to scream so loud. In these states, I have seen stuff. Queer stuff that I don’t understand but yet know fully. Jelly fish, pink jelly fish everywhere. Snakes across the ceiling, my skin crawling from underneath, the inability to open my eyes yet have such sharp hearing which is strange considering that I am going deaf bilaterally. The heat was immense I felt like I was going to explode, like actually melt, I felt I was burning from the inside out. I have had a fever on and off for over a week and both of these ‘moments’ that lasted up to 2 hours each from what I am told have been after I have been hot and or when I have taken the second of kick ass antibiotics given.
I am sat here after beginning this writing and I see clearly now that this is a re set. This whole situation is a reset, to begin again. To unlock that deep seated grief that has shackled me for as long as I can remember. To allow me to fall as deeply as I did when gramps went home to the spirit world, to fall so deeply that only Chris will catch me. True vulnerability.
I am disturbed that I can’t can’t remember what this week has entailed yet I have my own view on why this has come about. I was taken rather shamanic ally whilst I was in this “delirium” so maybe this isn’t delirium at all but a trance like state in which I could go deep enough to see the other world, clearly in its entirety. It felt like I was falling backwards through what I can say r worm holes, i know that this is a time of reset, to bring about complete balance within and so too outside for us all. You see we can only do the work within and allow that to radiate outwards back to Mother Earth which is really a going within again for we are all one and part of the whole. I’m sidetracking now.
I will have a cuppa that Alison has brought me and will gather myself before continuing to write for I know there is something within that needs to come out for the world to know, for myself to know and in turn for all outside of me to know.
I have had fan switched back on as I am feeling the build in discomfort with temp again. I have spent many hours, minute by minute looking at the ceiling, the wall, the contents of the bedroom. Just being, just viewing all that is around me. Chris put me on Netflix on the laptop, nici came to say hi and I had a hug from the kids too the week, I can’t r,ember what day but I do remember it. Alison has been here since I was brought home Wednesday, I can’t remember that but and it is irritating me immensely. I have gone from a place of needing to give pointers on how to be me whilst I am not able to do so, to a feeling of acceptance. I am poorly, that is ok, I need to heal, that is ok. It is ok to be still in my own experience and allow others to fall into my shoes and take the slack. It is ok to conserve my energy and replenish this life force that runs through my veins to my core. It is necessary in fact.
I have seen that I am going to make sleep amulets this afternoon whilst in bed. Also I have details of a couple of blends of herbs for incense that will be helpful for in the coming months of change and liberation. I miss Chris right now, I need a hug from my man, the one I can completely fall into. He is coming tonight to take over from Alison as she has been here since Wednesday, after he finishes work and take regan back home again.
Life is not a race, nor is it a science experiment that we must pick a part. It is simply life, a moment in time to experience in a physician for, all that we do and in all the ways we do. We get so caught up in labelling, pulling apart, disentangling when really there is no need as it just is. Live simply,,remain full of gratitude that you can feel, see, hear, smell, tag and taste. Use those senses to guide you in all that you do whilst your physical feet touch this dimensions gravitational floor. Come back to that childhood innocence of knowing that creativity is all, that thoughts are creativity in motion and see past the invisible boxes that we chose to sit in.
I feel something so deep that is coming up within me, wisdom that has been lit and is working its way from within me. I still can’t find the words, maybe it is not words that I am upbringing forth from within me but a new state of being. A new shift within that allow another peeling of a layer of the onion if you like. What this is it is huge, it is monumental and i will continue to write when I am able to type. I feel I have been elsewhere than here in this bed in this bedroom in this house. I know it for I am the universe and the universe is me.