Is this mine?…

So the car blew up yesterday. In Spectacular fashion. I guess it would be so bad except Chris was driving it and was miles from home where I was. Cue a panic attack from under the covers, his phone had 1% battery and he called to say car is broken, where he was, call green flag, phone on 1%. I called green flag and began arranging some kind of recovery, thankfully he had it really. For 3 hours I couldn’t contact him, didnt know if he was ok until he was recovered with car back home. Since being moved onto universal credit, the car has been a real life line and it means that Chris can work to allow us to survive, it has been hard with even less to live off, the fear of failing huge. I am not sure what we will do now.

Roll on today, it is 6am and I am walking to the gym, as I usually do. It is cold and I realise I can’t feel my arms, I actually felt something which was strange as I have been unwell for a month now. I plough onwards to the gym to begin working out. Something that has kept me going for that month when nothing makes sense.

I guess everyone goes through a spiritual crisis, this is mine maybe. I ponder many things when I am walking to the gym, who am I, what do I like, what do I not like, what are my strengths and weaknesses, who is that person I see in the mirror each day. She feels like a stranger, someone who looks like She has given up and yet has no clue who she is. What does she do best, I know her name, the one given to her at birth but everything else feels like a jumble.

I haven’t really spoken to anyone in the past month, no words come out my mouth, no line of conversation and that is immensely isolating. I have bounced between panic attacks, counting and tapping to quench the thirst of the ocd that is rampid currently, fearful but of what I do not know. Every small thing feels huge, too much even and yet I would have just ridden the waves of these seemingly small obstacles until recently.

I am exhausted, from counting, from staying awake for even a few hours. Maybe I am about to re-emerge, out of this cocoon of anxiety. But for now it feels like that isn’t about to happen.

I finish my hour on the treadmill, clocking up just over 10,000 steps and 5 miles before stepping off and walking home. A sense of achievement washes over me whilst I am hot, sweaty and out of breath. A small break from the whirlwind that is anxiety and ocd. As I slow down I begin to feel so much yet nothing again, the break from it was worth it though.

I sit on the back door step in the garden, sipping water as I remember I have my smear test today. Something I just not put off any longer, I will ride my bike to the doctors and back.

I think everyone goes through a spiritual crisis, I guess this is mine.

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When things just stop

The past month has been quite an experience. I seemed to be plodding along quite happily, going to the gym, working, enjoying family life and one day it just stopped. All of it simply stopped.

I suffered crippling anxiety and my ocd came back too. I was exhausted from constantly trying to satisfy my ocd tendencies, counting objects continually, road signs were the worst and still are as I begin to fall into the depths of panic attacks if I can’t keep up whilst we are driving along.

It had been an intense week proceeding this halt in life. I guess i simply couldn’t cope and just stopped. I ended up in bed, just laying there feeling safe for want of a better word.

After a week of struggling to keep going, I headed to the doctor and laid it all bare. I cried once I made it into the room, where was I supposed to start, when asked what was up. I had a panic attack whilst waiting and was moved to a side room until my appointment, which helped.

I had lost my hearing in my right ear 3 weeks previously, which knocked me sideways too and had gone to see Dr about that after it hadn’t returned a week later. She referred back to specialist for my menieres disease and I had since been to see the specialist and had tests done.

Once I had my tears and anxiety under control enough to speak, it all came out, I was tapping to the point my finger joints hurt. She was kind and put me on some medication to help me sleep as I wasn’t sleeping well either.

I walked out of the Drs with the understanding my anxiety and ocd had returned, crippling me at that moment in time.

I only got out of bed to head to the gym at 6am, it was the only break I had from my anxiety and the ocd, an hour of not counting, tapping or being riddled with anxiety. I enjoyed the feeling of being pushed as much as I could, sweat pouring from me and a sense of completion after finishing my hour.

I couldn’t speak to people, I had no words. Not everyone has been able to understand or be around me to know and understand and that is Ok, people have busy lives, I had a busy life too until it stopped. Just holding a conversation is exhausting.

Roll on 3 weeks now and I still head out to the gym at 6 am whilst everyone else gently snores away. I come home and complete my cleaning before heading to the safety of my bed. Sometimes I sit in the garden, watching the daily incredible changes in the plants. Sometimes I will study a bit of my outstanding diplomas whilst surrounded by my duvet. And that is ok, for now.

I don’t write this for pity, it is more of a help for me to express myself, to be able to find the words I need to explain. I have been to the gym, eaten my yoghurt and am now writing this. I find it helpful to just write.

I have a brain scan to check for tumours in a week, refferals for hearing aid to be fitted too which will help with my hearing and I hope my anxiety too. I always dread the scans, it makes you look at life differently when you consider all that could be. It is something I have had done a few times before, when the boys where little but not pleasant.

I will continue to do what I can, to keep my anxiety and ocd from crippling me, I am off of work due to the nature of my work as a medium. It is important to be a clear vessel when working so I don’t know when I will be working again. I have come away from social media currently as there is so much ‘stuff on there, so many people spouting stuff continually.

I have found it has helped me greatly and know those who need to contact me can do so in other ways.

The isolation I have felt has been huge, like an iceberg on my shoulders, drowning in perpetual emptiness but I have support. I have an amazing man who has walked alongside me in this, who has just sat with me when I have no words with no motive or pressure, just knowing I’m not alone. He does so much for us and I am truly blessed for that unconditional support and love. If I can’t get out of bed because it is too scary, I know he will just meet me where I’m at and that is priceless.

Who knows what tomorrow holds, what matters for me is getting through the next hour and the next, taking it tiny chunks at a time. Not striving for more, but appreciating where I am at in any given moment. Maybe I will wake tomorrow and be coping better, maybe today will be the day I feel free, or maybe not. What matters is owning my place in my life currently.

Walking the walk..

1 month ago I headed to Glastonbury to facilitate a women’s day retreat workshop. I went up the day before with a wonderful sistar and stayed overnight as I knew I would be exhausted from driving and wandering around the day before facilitating which was normal for me. I managed 13,000 steps that day, including climbing the Tor which is always something that has tested my body to the max.

Roll on 1 month, and lots of rest due to injury, followed by gym each morning early for the past 2 weeks and I have managed over 13,000 steps before 8am. What a huge difference.

I navigate chronic illness and have been napping for many years daily just to get through the day due to exhaustion, and now I rarely need to lay down expect to sleep at night.

My illness hasn’t gone away, but I am managing it, along with the wieght I have gained since last year. I decided to stop looking at the scales and just focus on what my body tells me.

I have listened to her for many moons and follow my intuition mostly which doenst let me down, although I have times where I feel lost and that is part of being human and experiencing life.

am sat outside in garden at 8am writing this after my smoothie of fresh fruit and spinach, listening to the birds and feeling good. I am rolling with my journey and who now where it will lead but I know where I have been and I don’t what to be I bed for days, unable to stand or stop throwing up due to vertigo and I feel like I am getting somewhere.

I lost my hearing in my right ear a week ago and it frightened me much as this is part of the illness but have gained a sense of being and feeling grounded through my early morning rising, appreciating the new dawn whilst hitting the gym and I don’t plan o stoppi g anytime soon.

I have lots of time to be in the stillness of my own inner peace at those times and that is priceless.

I felt drawn to blogging about this as I know many who struggle and hope it helps in some small way. I found the first week of exercise and getting about more quite challenging and now I enjoy feeling more alive and present.

This is my story, what is yours? X

I choose gratitude, joy love…

This week hasn’t got off to the best start. Many people haven’t turned up for various important appointments or collections of items I am purging. I have felt tense and out of sorts too.

Last night I was blessed to work with 3 people and their loved ones in heaven, giving solid evidence and loving messages and I felt so humbled.

I have questioned wether my mediumship is something that is meant to take the forefront or wether I need to step back from readings for a while. Not a rash thought, more of a slow and Intentional delving into the idea.

Last week held much purging of physical possessions and yet this week it seems to be mirrored Internally. A purging of toxic thought patterns and belief systems. Evaluating relationships with those around me, and a general internal week which is totally ok.

I got quite caught up in the stress yesterday, feeling quite angry at many things and it is something that I expected to come up on this journey of reassessment. Then within a heartbeat, I let it go. I simply let it all go, the stress, the need to control, the being let down. Boy it felt good.

As I write this, I am sat on my back door step where you will often find me. Listening to the trees swaying in the gentle breeze, watching bees come to get there pollen from the beautiful various plants we have grown. There is so much that can be learnt from simply stopping and observing.

The tree doesn’t snap and wallow when the wind picks up, it sways and bends to allow some room to move with the wind. The bees, they are busy doing there thing, going about it with diligence and precision. The plants, all manor of different species are not moping because some are bigger or more veluptous, they simply stand tall and shine their own beauty outwards.

All is as it should be, no comparing, no feeling small and weak, simply being themselves.

The rest of this week is also set to be busy with various appointments, events and such like. One thing I can do is be kind and gentle to myself whilst I do the dance that is this week. Coming back to myself and knowing that life is not meant to be all serious and stagnant. That I can choose joy in all I do, wether itnis sitting with nature, washing up or waiting for appointments that are an hour late.

It is my choice to feel all I do, also it is my responsibility to own it all. If I’m feeling angry? Own it, if I’m feeling overwhelmed? Own it!

I choose joy and love over all other feelings whenever I can and it is a beautiful thing to hold gratitude for everything.

Who knows how the rest of the week will pan out, who knows what is next to walk through. The one thing I can be sure of is my own responsibility for my choices, my decisions and my life.

I intend to feel gratitude, joy, love…. how about you? X

What’s another year…

Friday held my birthday. A time that usually try to ignore since my gramps went back home to the spirit world.

36 years on this earth plane and it got me thinking, what’s my story? We all have our own story, so why do so many shy away from sharing theirs?

Your own stories are very important as they may just help someone. Your own experiences will give courage to someone who is currently facing the same situation. It brings hope to those who dont have any of their own at the moment.

Your story is your lives journey so far, holding the trials and tribulations, celebrations and achievements, the quite moments of such strength, the beautiful moments of pure joy.

This year was different to the others I have experienced. I was experiencing such pure joy. I received flowers and messages, cards and gifts, I spent it with those who love me and I them. It was perfect.

It was spent at home, then going to have some good food with Chris, seeing my babies, partner in crime and a gentle wander in the forest.

It was my idea of perfect.

I was gifted a most wonderful singing bowl, it was a complete surprise and I was so delighted, if not a little nervous incase I couldnt play it. I sunk into myself and connected I to all there is and began. It is not somethi go had tried to play before, yet the sound was divine. I googled and found it is in the tune of B which relates to the crown chakra. Perfect for me.

My eldest made a special table that evening for us to go eat at where he works, the same place that Chris took me a year ago, what a difference a year makes!

I am happily handfasted to my superman, my best friend and my love. We have walked through so much in that year. We have laughed and shed tears together, we have jumped the broom and take it seriously in that we can overcome all adversity together. We have watched all 6 babies grow so much, begun making our home a nest, bringing comfort to all.

It is the first birthday I didn’t feel the deep seated sadness that my previous birthdays have held since my amazing grandparents have gone home.

What a beautiful thing to free myself from the shackles of grief in another step to living fully. 💚

Paperwork, what paperwork?!..

It’s funny what we keep ‘just incase’ we need it. Paperwork is a big one for me and maybe for you also.

I decided to hit the paperwork trail today and oh my, I am pooped!

I gathered all piles of paperwork, receipts, various birthday cards, coursework, certificates, you name it lol. I dumped it all on the kitchen table that is now empty and ready for action at any given moment. It looked like a sea of paper. I mean seriously, who needs to keep 4 years of monthly statements of a catalogue they haven’t had in over 6 years!

I began eating my way through it all, feeling somewhat overwhelmed about 20 minutes in. I put some music on to help take the edge off the anxietyni was feeling as I was sitting through a lifetime of paperwork that had accumulated in various parts of the house – it helped.

I decided to only keep 2017 and 2018 letters of importance except bank letters which I am yet to go through.

I came across my labour notes from the boys, various schooling letters (the boys have been out of school 5 yrs today!), diagnosis paperwork etc.

I went through 3 plastic wallets of photos too, mostly of the little ones but came across the letter I read to grampa at his funeral and his covering Service schedule. It all came back to me briefly and I allowed myself to feel it, feel it all. I put the kettle on, made myself a nettle tea and took a deep breath before continuing on my journey to freedom and joy.

It’s funny what we keep, what we feel we must never get rid of.

I achieved it, I got to the bottom of my seemingly bottomless pit of paperwork crap. I found some meaningful things along the way, but cut it by 90% and all that remains is now a beautiful folder of essential paperwork on hand when ever we may need to find something.

I shall be digitalizing some utility bills that haven’t already been done this afternoon and removing 26 empty folders from my life which feels great as well as burning so much junk paperwork.

For now? I shall sip nettle tea, listen to the soft song of the birds outside and allow Steve the cat to enjoy his new temporary home in amongst the paperwork that is no longer needed.

💚

My kitchen holds how much?! …

So I have continued today with the serious purging of possessions that seem to have crept into my home at some point over the past 18 years.

I thought that if I chose a different room it would bring a bit of a change and oh my! It certainly did that lol.

I got into all the cupboards and found stuff that I had never used, things that I had been given with good intention that I didn’t feel able to part with before now too. What is it with keeping things just because we don’t want to offend said giver? Or maybe holding onto things that have been handed down by a loved one that is no longer here.

I knew I would have a few cake tins and over cake related stuff but really?! I could probably kit out a small bakery with it all and to be honest, I tend to make most cake decorations purely with my hands now so no need for so much of it.

I have chosen to keep just an 8″ round and 8″ square tin, I honestly don’t bake in the way I used to, so why keep everything when I could have space to enjoy what i own!

Baking was a huge connection between my grampa and I. We would sit for hours together, learning and practising new techniques. Always cheering me on from the side lines with any project I have attempted. I am truly grateful for that, I really am and have many find memories of this.

Anyway, back to the kitchen purging lol… I am blessed after many years of having dire kitchens, to have a beautiful space, plenty of storage and room for our huge table that is used daily so what better than to be able to sit or cook in the kitchen together without having to juggle half a cupboard of stuff just to find the blender, or the scales.

I have so much now to sell, donate or gift others now, it is truly shocking at how much we have. Completely too much for the needs of a family – until now.

Tomorrow I will head to another area so as to keep things interesting and stop any procrastination on my part, but I am enjoying this journey and I am feeling the joy of what possessions we need 💚

How much do you need..

I went through my clothes, jewellery and toiletries 2 weeks ago. Doesn’t sound like much maybe, but the liberation I have felt since has been huge.

I now have 2 small 35ltr boxes of clothes that are enough for me. I can now see each piece and enjoy wearing it. I no longer own 20 scarves, just 4 that I can use with different items. Just 1 pair of jeans, instead of 4 that don’t fit right. 5 beautiful dresses, no longer hidden but there to be worn and enjoyed. You get the picture I’m sure…

I continued this with jewellery, removing the broken bits, missing bits, bits that I thought I must keep because of sentimental reasons…

Then to toiletries and make up. I’m not a big lover of make up, but still held onto an eyeshadow that was my nan’s that was over a decade old. Not to be used but a reminder of her.

The biggest so far was going through a basket of things that I was given when my gramps died in 2013. It has been 5 years and I couldn’t face the basket so it just sat there, not looked at, gathering dust. I tipped it out and quickly went through it with Chris as support and ended up with just 20% of it left. I no longer needed the half eaten packet of mints, the empty old spice bottle etc.

I am unwell and have been for a week now, but in the time of much sitting in the silence, laying under the duvet I have looked around to see a sea of things, accumulating dust, just in case items, I should keep items, and so much more.

Enough is enough.

I don’t know how far I will go with this process, but I am enjoying it. It is so liberating. I own 4 pairs of socks and none have holes in, I know exactly where they are and feel joy in putting them on now.

I am enjoying seeing the nearly folded basket of bath towels that is enough for us, instead of an endless pile of towels, overflowing everywhere.

I can see the back of my crockery cupboard, knowing there is enough for us and all our tribe and that’s it.

I shall continue to rest up, pondering what possessions mean to me and delve into a cupboard or drawer when I feel able to. Purging a mass of things that have no real meaning in my life anymore. My books and photos will be the last thing as they hold much to me, but until then? I shall move along, holding each item and asking if it brings me joy, if it is essential and if it deserves a space in our home.

Just my ramblings on a sunny Tuesday morning, from my bed as I look out to see the Rowan tree swaying genlty in the breeze, and listening to the birds l.

💚🦄💚🦄

Shifting into the latest version of you….

The discomfort is simply the inability to allow the flow, to cling to what was but now is not. You are shifting to a different vibration and you have pushed against this which has caused the panic to rise when if you just allow what is changing to happen, then that panic and discomfort will disperse.

All beings shift, sometimes in small and very subtle ways and then sometimes a larger shift is needed. These are continual spirals like a staircase winding as it goes.

What you need to do my sweet child is to allow this to happen, you are gripped by the anxiety you feel because it is effecting all areas of life and this hasn’t happened in a while. You are wondering what is real. You have become comfortable in your vibration yet forgotten that it is an evolving process.

You now have a build up of many things that no longer serve you instead of one thing at a time and in turn it is what is causing this discomfort, yet if nothing ever shifted where would change happen?

What is there to be afraid of? What is the fear? Is it real or are you just comfortable now.

People outgrow people, situations, life styles and circumstances and yet they still hold on thinking that they can move forwards and still take these things into their next vibration, the next piece of the journey that is incarnation. This is not possible for you no longer resonate like a radio that is in between station, you can’t hear or enjoy either because there is a mix of noise.

Step away from all that no longer serves you. Nourish your vessel with only the best fuel. Listen to your body and self for it knows best – always.

You need not fret for this is a natural process, like a coming back to your core needs and light within.

Let people speak and talk about how you have changed, let them throw stones at what they no longer understand for it can feel unnerving and scary for those around to see. Speak freely your truth for it is needed to be heard, live fully for what is life if not to be experienced. Bring your love and compassion back to yourself and nurture your vessel like you would a new born baby. Fan the flames of change and dance in the heat of the fire for you are being rebirthed, dance wildly in the unknown whilst knowing that you are as free as a bird to be who you are.

Those that are connected will adjust, celebrate in your better self. It is not for you to be concerned with other people’s options of you.

A new authenticity is being born, shake free from the shackles for they are now only self imposed, you are no longer chained and bound from speaking your truth, you haven’t been for an age yet have felt unable to walk freely so rise now, you are meant to fly.

All have their truths, and their secrets,all have the limitations they impose on themselves. In truth all are limitless beings. You are rising once again and that is to be honoured, don’t allow anyone or anything to grip onto the old that is gone for you are stepping into the new.

Take your time to gain your balance once again, you have done this before and you will indeed do this again. Feel your way through these changes and honour all that you are.

Drop all now that which you are carrying as you have the opportunity to do so. Pick up only what is to be carried forward with you, what is still for.your highest good, in all areas.

No need to think for you already know, you know all you need to know in order to make these changes and implement them.

No need to fight it, it is a continual spiral of life death and rebirth the most updated version of you.

I am never far for I am within.

Una x

Radical self love

What does that invoke within you when you hear those words….. Radical self love?

Maybe it will fill you with joy in your heart, it flames a fire that burns deep within, or possibly it makes you shy away and cringe at the sound of the words.

I am devoting myself to a year of self love and much self discovery within. It has taken many years to get to this point, to be ready to begin this beautiful journey, but I am ready now.

When you hear those words radical self love what does it mean to you? Maybe you see hot steamy bubble baths surrounded by candles, maybe you see yourself making time.to do the mundainial things in life with joy.

I will be looking at many aspects, physical, spiritual, emotional, nutritional, social, mental and so much more but everything must begin with a thought. A thought maybe that you deserve the same attention to detail and love that you so freely give to others external to you.

So this begins now, with a fire being lit within, ignited with the knowledge that this will be an experiential year, a journey across vast landscapes within. Exploring terrains that have been avoided up to this point in This incarnation.

So where do you start? In this seemingly minefield of many avenues, i could feel defeated before I even begin yet I realise now that i have already begun by simply birthing this thought into my world. I have already started by the simple recognition that it is needed, wanted and deserved.

I have no set rigid plan, simply an urge to look deeper at why I deprive myself of the love I deserve from myself. I have kind mapped some possible avenues and terrains that i will visit on this journey. Maybe parking myself for a while to soak up the fragments that I find scattered at my feet. Maybe some landscapes within my psyche will be fleeting visits, for not all places we end up are for long processing.

The one thing that i do know is that i will not be the same in a year’s time as I am now, none of us will be.

I’m ready to travel, are you?

Blessings xx