17 weeks….

It’s Saturday already wow! Not only have we reached 17 weeks today. It it is connors 15th birthday too😁

Connor is having the best day ever, a quiet day where he isn’t surprised by people, has visitors or fuss. He has never enjoyed birthdays and 5 years ago he asked me to not do anything for his birthday, not even a cake. This hurt to begin with but I honour his wishes and see how content it makes him.

Baby is growing well, I am feeling big lol. I can get 1 finger width between bump and steering wheel and only at 17 weeks eek! I may have to stop driving sooner rather than later if I keep growing this quickly.

We brought a new bed this week, needed a new mattress as so uncomfortable so headed to Ikea and had obligatory meatballs of course – would be rude not too! Lol

Found a mattress we loved and then found a King size version of same mattress for half the price of the double so got that and brought a new frame and storage for clothes underneath. We just about manage do get it and us in car and was definitely a memory to keep getting it home lol

We are decluttering and sprucing up the bedroom that we decorated last year ahead of baby’s arrival in the summer, moving our office and making way for baby 😁

Only 3 more weeks until our next scan and we hope to find out if we are welcoming a πŸ’™ or πŸ’—!

Took the dog to play with other doggies and she loved it, definitely will do more of that too.

Feeling quite exhausted this week, lacking in energy is not great as leave a me feeling blah at not being able to do much. I try to remember I am working hard to grow a beautiful baby and that is hard work!

Till next time …

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16 weeks baby!! …

We are now at 16+4 yay! Things are starting to fall into place now. I am relaxing into the pregnancy and worry a tad less now, we are slowly gathering the essentials needed for arrival and we are talking betweennus about birthing this baby and how we wish that to look like!

I am still hoping for a home birth if possible and we are set to see consultant next month. Because I am high risk, it is needs to be decided higher up the food chain etc but with the speed Alfie came, who knows!

Today we had midwife appointment, I got a gold star for it all being well lol. Got to listen to baby heartbeat today whilst there although it took 10 mins to pin baby down as was running back and forth from Midwife not wanting to be heard! She noted I am a good size now and there is quite a lot of water too which I also had with Connor. I’m sure this will also be discussed with consultant for baby safety.

Just munched curry sauce and chips yummy! Seriously have found a passion for food it seems with this one lol. I wonder how kuch longer i will be able to drive at this rate πŸ˜‚

With the boys I also had to stop driving, particularly Connor due to how big I got lol.

Baby is bopping about regularly now, likes to be awake particularly at 3am-5am…. hmmmm!

So pleased we got to this point, I can now begin relaxing more.

Midwife advised I will be having growth scans regularly like i had With the boys from 20 weeks as per consultant instructions.

I am really starting to grow bigger, someone even asked what day I am due! I did let her known have another 5 months to go lol

Roll on 17 weeks! ❀

15 weeks…

We are 15 weeks and 6 weeks today, Friday 8th March.

I am growing, I can’t stop eating raw jelly and am sleeping not so much at moment. I am now feeling baby moving about daily and it is very reassuring!

I had a dream that was very lucid Thursday morning, showing a girl to me. We have had all who have commented, say it is a girl and Chris is also absolutely convinced. The dream woke me it was so real. We find out 9th April so not long to what now to see for sure!

We picked up a beautiful wicker moses basket from the recycling centre for Β£5 yesterday that is an upcycle project, it will be stunning I am sure. I am relaxing more and more each day knowing all is well and ha e decided mid May I shall be stopping work to rest and enjoy my time before baby comes.

We have such lovely support, we are truly grateful.

I have Had to remove my biological mother from my life and that of my babies as I had to do many years ago as she is just unable to be kind or keep her nasty comments to herself. My nan taught me that if you have nothing nice go say then say nothing at all, well she didn’t seem to learn this when it comes to me! I feel more relaxed now she unable to access any of my information and updates to use in a negative way. If you don’t evenknow how old your grand children are when you only live a couple of miles away and haven’t seen them for years, but you manage to see other grand children who live half a mile from those who you do not see, then you are not a positive role model, you are not someone I wish to have within my fold. Simple really!

I will not have my children or this baby harmed emotionally or mentally by anyone and will remove all toxicity from our family as just as any mother would and should.

I keep saying the days go so slow yet the weekss are flying by, and it is true! It is Friday again and we are on route to get weighed.

I am pleased that although I look huge, i havent actually put on any weight as yet as i lost half a stone in November just after I fell pregnant, and am boning st the top of that so still weigh less than when I began loosing weight. I am not feeling deflated and am not actively looking to loose anymore .

Tomorrow is 16 weeks!

14 weeks !!

So, it’s Thursday 28th Feb. I didn’t do this week’s update on Monday. Bad momma alert lol.

The scan last Wednesday confirmed we were 13 weeks and 3 days on Wednesday last week so her I am 14 weeks and 4 days writing this.

Why am I writing these weekly blogs on progress? Becuase it is real, it is raw, and it is needed, even if just by 1 person on this earth. I want to go e a running commentary that I never had or could find with my 3 eldest babies. The world is a different place now, it has been 13 yrs since I have birth to my youngest, coming up 20 yrs since my eldest and oh my the world has change beyond recognition!

I seem to have found my first craving for this super baby – jelly! Yup, raw, straight from the pack jelly cubes. Chewing and pulling at this really bits is so satisfying I can’t get enough!

I am now taking shape from non pregnant to definitely pregnant. I feel the first flutterings this week. I am so excited to meet you!!

We also told all the kiddos this week and all positive. The youngest (13) says it has to be a girl to balance it out – we have 6 between us (I have 3 boys and chris has 2 boys and a girl). Everyone has said it is a girl, not yet come across anyone who has said a boy. We hope to find out 9th April!!

I guess this is a time where a mother’s bond with her daughter really intensifies, not so much so with mine. That is a whole different blog to write when i am ready though.

In other news, I have read and reread both orgasmic birth and also sexy birth and Chris and I are building our birthing plan so that he can advocate for me whilst I concentrate on what I need to- birthing this super baby!!

Well our due date is definitely August 24th now, shouldn’t change and well- bringing on!!

Molly needs help…

It’s Sunday 3rd Feb 2019, 7.10pm and the house feels too quiet. Molly has been away from home since 11.30pm last night. Let’s go back to understand…

Saturday morning she wasn’t really herself, drinking excessively, not wanting food, no saggy tail and no wanting to greet anyone who comes through door. Not wanting to get up and try her luck to get daddy’s bacon or moving at all. I felt something was wrong, she was lethargic, breathing heavy and something didn’t feel right in my mommy meter.

We took her to vets who said she has temperature, possible ringworm or tumors. Also arthritis in front legs explaining why she is struggling with stairs etc now. She was a lovely vet and helped Molly feel safe as she is quite a nervous woofer.

She had a biopsy done on another lump on leg which was blood filled, given antibiotics injection and some pain killers as well as an ultrasound. Medication to take home and told to come back Sunday if no improvement or call if gets worse. So we headed home, relieved she came back with us, she really is my baby.

Given pain killers early evening as became very uncomfortable, she began drinking lots, about 3 ltrs from 3pm till 11pm. Again, something didn’t feel right inside of me and I called vets emergency line who wanted her straight in. By the time I had finished the call she couldn’t get up, was whining in pain, had a massive swelling on side of abdomen.

So Chris helped me.get her in car and I picked up Tom on route to vets. She vomited once we got there, undigested contents including painkiller prescribed. Vet could see something wrong, her temp was too high, she was not in control of her bladder and in lots of pain. She had ultrasound and x ray which showed massive liver/spleen but no growths on lungs. She had to be kept there, to be put on IV painkillers and fluids etc in case of internal bleeding into belly die to size of liver.

She looked so scared in the corner, it broke my heart leaving her there scared and confused. They gave her methadone in the night to help pain. She threw up a further few times and then slept some. I stayed up on sofa when I got home at 1.30am as I didn’t want to miss a call. Spoke to vet this morning ahead of transferring her to another vet hospital. She was still granulated and took bags of fluids to go with her and we put her In car. She looked better, her tail wagged and she was pleased to see us.

We went straight to the next vet hospital who were expecting her and she was admitted for more tests and pain relief, her temp still too high. Once again we had to leave her and It hurt like my arm had been taken from me. She whined and cried as I closed the door behind us, I could hear her as we left the building and cried hard as Chris drove home.

Called vets at 2pm and she had been sedated for ultrasound and x rays again. All look very different from last night and look almost normal. Bloods still off and temp too high. She is being kept there another night, I cried some more. My eyes are so swollen from being tired and crying. Chris is a rock in my life and this is so important. He packs me off to bed to sleep and rest as my body is really not working well now, he drives to shops to sort boys dinners out.

Vet calls at 6pm to tell him that Molly has eaten something, been given pain killers via drip again and is comfortable. Vet said she will call in the morning fist thing. Chris comes up to tell me and I feel a little better, it was kind of vet to call us and let us know.

Back to here and now, it’s now 7.28pm. Chris is up doing a live on YouTube as it is Sunday, I am downstairs on.sofa with blanket feeling fragile and having snuggles with Alfie who is also very sad. I am glad that we are a family that do not hide our feeling from the kids, it allows them to show us there’s without judgement too.

My head is sore from lack of sleep and the many tears that have fallen from my eyes. Chris is cooking some food after his live and we will settle for the evening. Connor is asleep, Alfie is on ps4 with his friend. The washing machine packed up this afternoon again. I don’t care right now, I just want my baby girl home, where I know she is not scared or alone.

I will continue holding positive thoughts for Molly this evening and hope we all sleep some before tomorrow dawns and we deal with whatever it holds.

β€πŸ§‘πŸ’›πŸ’šπŸ’™πŸ’œ

But you look fine…

I’m snuggled under a heated blanket after getting back from my 2 weekly appointment for deep tissue massage. Get the picture out of your head that it is all calming music and soft massage. This hurts like hell – but I also get much relief for some days afterwards which makes it worth while.

She found I had quite an instability in my right hip which I had known for many years although the doctors would always fob it off as part of fibromyalgia. It turns out that it really is not good and have been referred to orthopaedic surgeons.

It at times feels like I am a China dolly, fragile and not able to participate in what others do. Sat in a glass done, only able to look out at life happening with or without me.

I have been unwell for 20 years now, I have had ups and downs. The one things I have never had from myself is acceptance of these conditions and diseases. Until now….

After another life changing sacred journey to Glastonbury earlier in the year, I have been working with kuan yin energy. This has been so far a very eye opening journey for me as the one thing that has been missing in my life is my own love and acceptance of myself in all my forms. I would try to go e myself that and after a day or so i would revert back to self loathing, even when I haven’t recognised I am giving myself that.

I am now able to say that I am unwell, that I have menieres disease and fibromyalgia, and an unstable hip. In doing this, it has opened up a Pandora box to work through as so often does when we lay our armour down to finally come to acceptance. I have been given tools whilst working with kuan yin energy to help on this journey of self compassion and it has been a beautiful journey so far.

I am learning to live with my hearing aid, instead of hating it. I am learning that I must be gentle wirh myself or I end up bed bound for days. Most importantly, I am learning that loving myself and bringing this self acceptance into my life means I never need seek acceptance from anyone external to me, to validate why I can’t do what others can, why I can now rest when needed. It is not a luxury – it is a necessity!

It’s taken 36 years to get to this point, with much experience in those years. Now I intend on working through this journey with nothing but self acceptance and care. Today I have had to cancel a women’s circle I facilitate, amongst other things. It is ok to stop, it is ok to cancel.

I will continue to snuggle under the heated blanket, which brings some relief. Curled up with fluffy socks, cats all around me as the Christmas lights softly twinkle and glow. A day that I must rest – necessity not luxury

β€πŸ§‘πŸ’›πŸ’šπŸ’™πŸ’œβ€πŸ§‘πŸ’›πŸ’šπŸ’™πŸ’œ

Self judgement can be a b*tch! – the biggest thing you can do is to stop and let it go …

So I haven’t written a while, no excuses, it just is. That is ok πŸ™‚

I had a bit of a pity party for 1 last night, after a traumatic day. I had an assessment regarding my illnesses and it brought up memories over the past 20 years as well as my own inner un-acceptance even after nearly 20 years of these conditions.

I thought I had managed to work through the stages of grief that come with life-long illness, but it seems I hadn’t. Well not completely anyways.

So having my own pity party, being the exclusive person invited to said party happened and I well and truly sat in that. For a while.

This morning I had a revelation, a truth come bursting out of me in my early morning journalling. As I sat by candlelight with the silence and dark still coveting the outside world, I came to the realisation that all I need to do is stop fighting myself. Yep that’s right, simply stop fighting my own inner critic who says everyday that I should be doing more, I should be able to stay awake all day, everyday. That I am a failure as I am needing a nap by 11am just because I got up and did a few small things Round the home.

We all have different energy levels, illness or not. We all have slumps, peaks and troughs in that said energy. For some they may feel a sense of achievement as they have managed to swim across the channel, and for others they will be feeling that sense of achievement because they managed to get dressed and do a couple of chores before napping.

Self judgement is a bitch. It is that inner voice telling you that you are not enough, that you should try harder, that you should be doing what other people are doing when in fact, what you do, and wherever you are that is ok.

I usually wake naturally around 4:30/5am and lay there unable to go back to sleep. Toss and turn for a while, maybe watch a YouTube video which is usually on self motivation and being more productive – more self judgement!

But recently I have been getting up and coming downstairs, lighting some candles and writing in my journal. Writing my morning gratitude and morning pages which hold reams and reams of me mind dumping. I feel awake, alert and productive. I have a hot herbal tea, put a load of washing on and load the dishwasher. I feel a big sense of achievement knowing that I have spent some time doing things that are productive and help keep the home in some kind of order, even knowing that I will need to head back to bed come 9am for an hour or 6.

Just accepting how many spoons you have for the day (look up spoon theory) and applying them thoughtfully will help so much, chronic conditions or not. By being completley honest with yourself about it, will help because I have always said I can deal with anything – as long as I know what I am dealing with.

The day is dawning outside, a cloudy start out tbere but I feel such joy in my heart for what I have achieved this morning like an internal sunshine.

When are you going to stop beating yourself up over what you haven’t done?…

No more decluttering, you can’t organise life clutter… you can only choose to deal with it

It’s funny, when I think back over the years. So much clutter, so many attempts at clearing it yet nothing seemed to work at that time for very long.

This year has been very clearing for me, energetically, emotionally, mentally and physically. It began on a physical level in April, as I looked at the heap of clothing on my bedroom floor I felt a sadness, the same clothes being worn and yet half a wardrobe of items I haven’t worn, wouldn’t wear again or just don’t fit. Now don’t get me wrong, I never had masses of clothing, but seeing that heap switched something within me, I felt a sadness deep within that churned.

I set to emptying everything I had as clothing on the bed, everything. From tired pants, to dresses that sparkled yet brought me no joy. Being kept for ‘just in case’ times. As I went through the pile, I held each item and asked myself if it brought me joy, if it made me smile and if I felt good in it. The answers to 80% of it was no. So I grabbed a black bin bag and removed many, many items from the pile. What was left was a small collection of clothing that made me smile, brought joy when handled and worn. I took the 2 bin bags to the charity shop locally and folded nearly each item that I had kept. I was surprised when it all fitted into a 35ltr plastic lidded box. A strange feeling of freedom washed over me and that was the beginning.

I headed to all the accumulated piles of paperwork in various places around the home. Oh my, more than I thought, hiding away in piles everywhere. No wonder it was stressful to lay my hands on anything needed at the time! I threw it all onto our large table, grabbed a washing basket and a small filing folder and began. This took much longer than clothing that I had done, there was so much of it. Old receipts from 4 years ago, pointless junk mail that had just sat there, pizza leaflets, empty envelopes….

It took hours, and hours but I ploughed on through it all, and was surprised when all I had left was a few important documents that were indeed needed. I filed them into the small folder and it hit me hard, we keep so much crap! Physically, emotionally, energetically and mentally. Walking into our home, you may not see it looking much different from others. Odd piles of things, amongst other items that have a home. But I came to the realisation that it wasn’t what you could see that was the problem as much as what it is that you don’t see, that inner landscape…

Not long after the physical clearing i had begun doing, I had a crash within myself. I found myself on the floor, skirt over head, grazes on my knees so to speak again. An internal full stop, a void even. I had visited this land within before a few times, it had been painful back then each time, yet was unprepared this time for the sheer emptiness, the silence inside that was so loud it was deafening. No words for a single soul who tried to communicate with me, just a silence. I had made a huge discovery and yet had no words to describe it, to be able to tell anyone about it.

I now know I can speak about it, although Maybe it will be too late for some relationships, severed beyond recovery. I won’t sit and wallow for they were hanging by a single thread already I guess. You see I can now see that the foundation for all strong connections need to be solid, not build upon lies, or deceit. Not built upon ultimatums nor fear, but love, trust, faithfulness and transparency.

I sat with that inner landscape for months, plunging into deep anxiety and finding solace within ocd I also lost my hearing one side at this time due to illness which probably didn’t help, may be it did. It allowed me to continue to fall, like alice in wonderland, falling and falling, deeper and deeper into what? Into myself. Was it painful and scary? Yes! Was it worth it? Most definitely. Spending days in bed, Ignoring the world, the deafening sound of shit that people were speaking, spouting endless reams of nothingness. I simply stopped as the world spun around me, and the more I stood still, the faster the world spun, people span, flapping and chirping. Oh the joy of simply being!

It is the beginning of October now and I found myself picking back up, I am going through all I own, picking up each item I have within my possession and asking if it brings me joy. If the answer is yes then it is simple, I keep it. If that answer is a no, or a wobbly maybe or not sure then I am purging it. I am no longer decluttering, that is something that would be endless, I am simply deciding what brings me joy and then making the decision to keep that within my life. After a day of taking things to the recycling centre, to the charity shop and sitting with the women I feel humbled to sit with in the circle I facilitate, I feel alive. I feel so much joy in my heart, for I am no longer decluttering my physical possessions only, I am deciding what to keep In my life. On a personal level as much as a possessional level.

I had no idea when I began this in April that I would be where I am now, what I do know is that I am exactly where I need to be. Removing toxicity from my life on so many levels. Maybe you could call it levelling up, rising up or even cleansing. Whatever you call it, it is real and it is life changing.

I will now stop at times to ensure I don’t have a build up of inner clutter and crap that needs processing and If I find it? I stop completley to investigate and deal with it in a loving yet firm way. We all must take care of our inner landscapes as much if not more than our exterior world’s. People pleasing, towing the uneven line of relationships in all its forms and being other peoples verbal punch bags for untamed emotions, undirected anger and torment is not ok. You are responsible for your actions, your choices not those of others, no matter how much they may throw at you whilst in a heightened emotion. Someone once apologised for the umptienth for exploding verbally, everyone else had walked away from them. There was a reason for that and not all of us learn that lesson quickly.

I will be continuing forwards when I wake tomorrow, I am on a journey with kuan yin and wow is all I can say, what an eye opener! I feel joy and gratitude on a level I didn’t know possible.

Now is my time, when is yours?

Bliss, a change within….

2 weeks ago, something happened and I want to share it with you all…

I headed back to Avalon (Glastonbury uk), with 2 beautiful sistars for a day of connection, release and renewal. You see I have been working goddess KALI within my life since 2015, it has been bumpy, shedding and oh my, so so liberating.

Stripping me of so much that no longer serves my highest good, it has at times felt have nothing left to shed, laying naked on a vast inner landscape that is so void of anything except space and the odd bit of tumbleweed. She first came to me in a meditation whilst in circle, barefoot and dancing wildly to the beat of her own drum around a ferocious fire whilst screeching. Her hair unkempt and messy yet with a presence that enticed me in, to ask her to work with me in my earthly life at that time. KALI energy certainly came through like a whirlwind, releasing me of so so much and I am truly grateful although at the time I was feeling so much, confusion, abandonment, thrown to the high seas without a lifejacket. She always caught me in every fall and it lifted me higher, to richer and more fertile grounds.

I found out so much about myself, stepping into my authenticity even though not all around me where able to understand or want to maybe.

Back to Avalon 2 weeks ago, we headed up the tor holding gratitude for all that is, sitting at the top chanting, drumming and releasing. A liberating feeling when you feel a build up of crap in your life, the wind blowing without care all around you, blowing away all the cobwebs of unfinished business if you like.

Heading to the goddess temple I had no idea of the profoundness that was about to happen, no idea that my time working with KALI in the way I had been for so long was coming to a close. For I was ready for a new journey after the foundations had been laid firmly by all the shedding over those years.

I sat in the temple, surrounded by cushions and others, holding gratitude for the goddess, I have no idea how long it was that I just sat in that moment. I asked for guidance and instead of what I am used to, I was somewhat handed over, in a beautiful way to a goddess I had never really felt a connection with until that point. I slowly got up to collect a deck of cards, I was instantly drawn to the kuan yin deck which I have always overlooked until then. Shuffling the cards in a peaceful energy that was sitting in solitude with my own energy I asked for clarity., on what was needed for myself to move forwards. As I pulled the cards I was drawn to, I felt different. Lighter maybe, everything seemed brighter, more defined, my eyes closing and yet I could see clearer than ever.

Kuan yin energy embraced me, enveloping me in compassion. A sense of being at peace In a way I hadn’t experienced before to my knowledge. In that moment I knew I was ready for a new journey within myself, a journey of intense self love, compassion for myself and outside of me. My heart felt like it would surely explode with gratitude for all that is. In that moment I knew it was time.

I gave up any fear I had an walked towards the light in kuan yin heart space, allowing it to wash over me, connect in with my own heart energy and it was like a merging at the mouth of a river and an ocean. The experience in that moment was unquantifyable, it was bliss.

It felt like hours that I was suspended in that space, maybe it was minutes but I wasn’t counting, just allowing all to flow. When I felt able to come back to the room, I noticed everyone going about their own inner journies, I felt like I had just had a monumental shift and that is because I had!.

I felt such love, so much more than I thought possible. Getting up and lighting a candle for all in need, I headed back out of the temple. All 3 of us girls had also connected somehow to one another through an energy, the KALI energy. We began to try and explain our experienced with one another as we made our way up the high street, knowing it was now time to head to the springs to renew. I felt a strong urge to head into a book store which wasn’t on my to do list that Sunday and saw kuan yin deck of cards knowing instantly I needed to buy them and begin working with them for myself. Deck in hand we headed to the springs, it was open.to the public, I had always hired out privately when facilitating the ceremony but we stripped headed into the cold waters, surrounded my candles. Again chanting, holding hands in a circle and feeling our ancestors come in close all around us, gathering in circles within circles.

The water was cold, it stinged as it lapped against bare skin, we knew that it was time and each Took it in turns to kneel down in the knee height water, held by the other 2 and completley submerging our bodies into the icy water. Just a second is all it took, as with so many times before. Coming back up feeling so complete, so cleansed and topped up. I screeched as I come back up, eyes still closed from the cold dark water shaking my head and body with the shock of the water and the feeling of rejuvenation, a time of topping up after such a huge day.

We chanted some more and I felt a tear drop down my face, closing one chapter and eager to begin the next. We climbed out of the white springs, truly not believing you could feel any colder, drying and dressing as other also to the plunge into the cold healing and sacred waters.

Coming back into the light of day from the dark comforting space of the springs, it felt like a rebirth, emerging from the womb of Avalon and entering that new chapter feeling so grateful in my heart space. Everything seems so bright, clear and well, new!

We walked back into town to go eat, fueling our physical bodies with amazing vegan foods, our bellies hungry after a day of energetic work. Did I ever tell you I love eating at Excalibur? Lol awesome food.

Excited to go back home and delve into the world of kuan yin, I felt at peace In a way never felt before.

I am truly grateful for all the work I have done with KALI, and now ready to begin again.

Last Sunday was a special day, the anniversary of our beautiful and loving handfasting. A dear sistar who I truly believe to be a soul sistar came around with a gift. I hadn’t spoken of my experience in Avalon to people, not until I write this today as it has taken me this long to find words. She came with a gift and upon opening it, a wooden pendant of kuan yin lay in my hand. A beautiful moment shared between us, a gift given at exactly the right time without knowing all I had experience with kuan yin before. I will hold that with love and grace, giving gratitude to the goddess for allowing me to flow alongside in my our journeying. I have worked with the deck daily since returning home, a moment for myself in what can often become crazy days rolling from one to another. Connecting in with the energy all around us and within us.

Let it begin ❀

Decisions and the ripple effect…

What are you meant to feel when you get the call to say your son is missing? That he is in hospital after being found on a bridge wanting to take his life. Is there a protocol to how this rips you inside out? Or maybe the complete blur and moment becoming a standstill is how is feels.

I had this call yesterday early morning, and wish no parent ever to have to hear those words. The panic that sets in before your heart takes another beat, the closing of the front door when you can’t even remember that somehow you got dressed.

To sit in on a crisis meeting and hearing the emotionless words that they will be taking their own life and that’s it. No hesitation, no mixed words or lengthy conversation.

Calling ever hour on the hour to ensure it hasn’t happened yet, to hear their voice, wondering if thisncall will be the last, etched in a mother’s memory eternally. You count the minutes till you call next time, willing this not to be happening, to hope that he picks up next time with all your love from deep in the depths of your womb space.

I too found myself in this perilous space when I was much younger, a foiled attempt to end my own life. I never ever wanted ant of my babies to one day feel the void too. But 1 has.

When do you feel it is safe to sleep without clock watching to call them again as part of a crisis plan to keep them alive, to keep them safe? How do you support without imposing, feeling swamped by the seemingly crazy service that is adult mental health.

To hear them say they are st a 9 out of 10 about suicide, yet not to admit them, to keep the incredible being you made, grew and have kept.safe for many moons.

You eventually from exhaustion, of grieving for a loss not happened fall into a heap, feeling everything yet nothing. A kind of helplessness that hasn’t been felt before. To try and support someone who is suicidal, insistent on ending their life, where do you learn that? How do you continue onwards?

After returning home from another day, another crisis meeting to ensure it hasn’t happened yet, there comes a time where you have to sit and simply breathe.

Just concentrate on your breath, all else is optional, all else is just a decision away.

The fall out, the ripple effect. Just breathe πŸ’™