So the car blew up yesterday. In Spectacular fashion. I guess it would be so bad except Chris was driving it and was miles from home where I was. Cue a panic attack from under the covers, his phone had 1% battery and he called to say car is broken, where he was, call green flag, phone on 1%. I called green flag and began arranging some kind of recovery, thankfully he had it really. For 3 hours I couldn’t contact him, didnt know if he was ok until he was recovered with car back home. Since being moved onto universal credit, the car has been a real life line and it means that Chris can work to allow us to survive, it has been hard with even less to live off, the fear of failing huge. I am not sure what we will do now.
Roll on today, it is 6am and I am walking to the gym, as I usually do. It is cold and I realise I can’t feel my arms, I actually felt something which was strange as I have been unwell for a month now. I plough onwards to the gym to begin working out. Something that has kept me going for that month when nothing makes sense.
I guess everyone goes through a spiritual crisis, this is mine maybe. I ponder many things when I am walking to the gym, who am I, what do I like, what do I not like, what are my strengths and weaknesses, who is that person I see in the mirror each day. She feels like a stranger, someone who looks like She has given up and yet has no clue who she is. What does she do best, I know her name, the one given to her at birth but everything else feels like a jumble.
I haven’t really spoken to anyone in the past month, no words come out my mouth, no line of conversation and that is immensely isolating. I have bounced between panic attacks, counting and tapping to quench the thirst of the ocd that is rampid currently, fearful but of what I do not know. Every small thing feels huge, too much even and yet I would have just ridden the waves of these seemingly small obstacles until recently.
I am exhausted, from counting, from staying awake for even a few hours. Maybe I am about to re-emerge, out of this cocoon of anxiety. But for now it feels like that isn’t about to happen.
I finish my hour on the treadmill, clocking up just over 10,000 steps and 5 miles before stepping off and walking home. A sense of achievement washes over me whilst I am hot, sweaty and out of breath. A small break from the whirlwind that is anxiety and ocd. As I slow down I begin to feel so much yet nothing again, the break from it was worth it though.
I sit on the back door step in the garden, sipping water as I remember I have my smear test today. Something I just not put off any longer, I will ride my bike to the doctors and back.
I think everyone goes through a spiritual crisis, I guess this is mine.