Listen…. can you hear it?Β 

I’m not gonna lie, it’s been a crazy 5 weeks. Things are happening all around me, and within me and the sheer amount of stuff has been heavy to bare both within my life and globally. 

I am blessed to have people around me that love and care for me to just be there whilst navigating the stormy waters and I am grateful beyond words can do justice. 

I am sat here writing in the silence that 4 am brings, finding the solitude and void that is needed so much. When changes hit it can be easy to feel knocked off kilter, to feel swept away to a baron sea with the endles batterig of the high tides. It is not the storms we go through but rather how fluid we become in order to allow what is to pass. 

As my health is returning day by day after the pneumonia I am beginning to go back to what I love, my work with those on the spirit world and also those that walk the Earth plane. It hasn’t been without fear, fear of what ifs and that is ok. 

We often go through things without being able to see why at the time and that is they way it works, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong or amwe are not enough, simply that sometimes we must travel vast landscapes within in order to find the next fragment of ourselves. 

Sometimes it is the courage, tenacity, strength To move forwards when the horizon looks bleak. Sometimes we are shown our most vulnerable sides in order to find that courage and lion energy within. We are having a human experience and we do not need to know all that lay ahead in order to take a step forwards. 

Not all changes and cicimstnaces have been hard and wearing, for there is much excitement in the air also with the handfasting to a most amazing man in less than 2 weeks, I am truly blessed. 

We must take the time to just be, in whatever we are stood in. No need to stay there for ever but to just acknowledge where we are at each moment. To bring our awareness to all we feel, perceive and know. 

With autumn equinox chasing at our heels, we can take note from the seasons endings and beginnings as well as the universe itself. To bend with all that comes our way for it is all shaping us all the time. The thing with beginnings is that there must be endings to provide the space physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually or we would become hoovers that have never been emptied, clogged. 

We are incredible beings, each and everyone of us. We do not always see this however and what a shame that is, to never see the light that you shine so brightly so that others may see the way forward! Hold space for yourself in all you walk through for you wouldn’t be you without those experiences, all of them. 

I will be going within ever so slightly to see what my internal landscape is like currently, to view the terrain that I currently wander. To see what fragments I have recently retrieved from all this experience, to just appreciate this crazy little thing called life. 

Blessings x 

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Time to reset ….Β 

So, I have just realised it is Friday. I am finding this quite upsetting for a few reasons really. The last time I looked it was Wednesday, I have no idea where Monday or Tuesday went either and I feel as though I have been places, yet no where at all. I lost all sense of time and space. This has left me thinking I need to just be for a week in a cave, alone to write, to make sense of all I have felt whilst in this state of being but non being possibly. 

My head feels fuzzy, I have woken from a sleep. I have slept! 2 hours of sleep but feel as though I have run s marathon just opening my eyes, I feel as tough I have a elephant on my chest and yet I wear only my knickers, a loose t shirt and the bed covers.
I can hear birds outside, it is not sunny anymore, more grey and lower outside. It is 12:49 on Friday and I have no idea where this week has gone, been. It is leaving me feeling shaken up and vulnerable, tearful even. I look down and I am surrounded by books, alchemy, natural magic, plant spirit medicine books all around me and coco the cat snoring in his whisper slumber. I have a bowl to the side of me with an inhaler and tissue also as I have been feeling much nausea and the coughing makes me want to puke my insides up.
I feel so detached from all that is around me, I hear my kids but I don’t. I hear the noises of the house but I don’t connect with them, the snore of the boys, the scratching of the woofer, the rush of the cold water feeding the washing machine. I don’t remember coming home, I can’t remember downstairs, I can’t feel my legs properly. I look around and see a mountain of clean washing, manic workings of a person who has stuff locked inside her that must come out, I see a sea of tissue from the lidocaine patches on the sides, the Meds in the bag next to the bed.
I seem to have been thrown into 2 different states of delirium this week, possibly a third being last night when I want to scream so loud. In these states, I have seen stuff. Queer stuff that I don’t understand but yet know fully. Jelly fish, pink jelly fish everywhere. Snakes across the ceiling, my skin crawling from underneath, the inability to open my eyes yet have such sharp hearing which is strange considering that I am going deaf bilaterally. The heat was immense I felt like I was going to explode, like actually melt, I felt I was burning from the inside out. I have had a fever on and off for over a week and both of these ‘moments’ that lasted up to 2 hours each from what I am told have been after I have been hot and or when I have taken the second of kick ass antibiotics given.
I am sat here after beginning this writing and I see clearly now that this is a re set. This whole situation is a reset, to begin again. To unlock that deep seated grief that has shackled me for as long as I can remember. To allow me to fall as deeply as I did when gramps went home to the spirit world, to fall so deeply that only Chris will catch me. True vulnerability.
I am disturbed that I can’t can’t remember what this week has entailed yet I have my own view on why this has come about. I was taken rather shamanic ally whilst I was in this “delirium” so maybe this isn’t delirium at all but a trance like state in which I could go deep enough to see the other world, clearly in its entirety. It felt like I was falling backwards through what I can say r worm holes, i know that this is a time of reset, to bring about complete balance within and so too outside for us all. You see we can only do the work within and allow that to radiate outwards back to Mother Earth which is really a going within again for we are all one and part of the whole. I’m sidetracking now.
I will have a cuppa that Alison has brought me and will gather myself before continuing to write for I know there is something within that needs to come out for the world to know, for myself to know and in turn for all outside of me to know.
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I have had fan switched back on as I am feeling the build in discomfort with temp again. I have spent many hours, minute by minute looking at the ceiling, the wall, the contents of the bedroom. Just being, just viewing all that is around me. Chris put me on Netflix on the laptop, nici came to say hi and I had a hug from the kids too the week, I can’t r,ember what day but I do remember it. Alison has been here since I was brought home Wednesday, I can’t remember that but and it is irritating me immensely. I have gone from a place of needing to give pointers on how to be me whilst I am not able to do so, to a feeling of acceptance. I am poorly, that is ok, I need to heal, that is ok. It is ok to be still in my own experience and allow others to fall into my shoes and take the slack. It is ok to conserve my energy and replenish this life force that runs through my veins to my core. It is necessary in fact.
I have seen that I am going to make sleep amulets this afternoon whilst in bed. Also I have details of a couple of blends of herbs for incense that  will be helpful for in the coming months of change and liberation. I miss Chris right now, I need a hug from my man, the one I can completely fall into. He is coming tonight to take over from Alison as she has been here since Wednesday, after he finishes work and take regan  back home again.
Life is not a race, nor is it a science experiment that we must pick a part. It is simply life, a moment in time to experience in a physician for, all that we do and in all the ways we do. We get so caught up in labelling, pulling apart, disentangling when really there is no need as it just is. Live simply,,remain full of gratitude that you can feel, see, hear, smell, tag and taste. Use those senses to guide you in all that you do whilst your physical feet touch this dimensions gravitational floor. Come back to that childhood innocence of knowing that creativity is all, that thoughts are creativity in motion and see past the invisible boxes that we chose to sit in.
I feel something so deep that is coming up within me, wisdom that has been lit and is working its way from within me. I still can’t find the words, maybe it is not words that I am upbringing forth from within me but a new state of being. A new shift within that allow another peeling of a layer of the onion if you like. What this is it is huge, it is monumental and i will continue to write when I am able to type. I feel I have been elsewhere than here in this bed in this bedroom in this house. I know it for I am the universe and the universe is me.

Love heals ❀️

So I have been unwell, not with my MΓ©niΓ¨re’s but with what I would call flu symptoms if you like. It started with the loss of my voice a few days back, that evening a sore throat and my glands being up followed by inability to sleep. Then yesterday I felt like I had been run over with a truck, I felt rough. 

I knew I had work in the evening but that it was only a few hours and with chris joining me that we would whizz through it. That we did and left about 10pm, an hour earlier than I normally would alone.

 I began feeling sick and had been taking stuff to help with my sinuses which were very painful too so by the time we got home I was feeling very weak and knew I had to cancel serving a church the next evening as it wasn’t something I could paste over. I climbed into my pjs whilst chris popped out to shop, then sat and tried to eat something little whilst nursing myself. 

It is strange when you have always looked after yourself and then one day there is someone to truly take care of you, to do for you whilst you recover, rest, recuperate. It has felt alien and I struggled to show just how poorly I was feeling because when I have done so in the past, it has been used against me or fallen on deaf ears. So having my man say ‘right your not well at all, you need looking after’ I was stumped…. how do you be ‘looked after’ when you have done this alone for so long! It wasn’t easy, it was a vulnerable space to be in but I had no doubt that he would look after me, care for me and take the strain. He could see straight through my ‘I’m fine’ and I knew it.

He cooked an awesome hot curry to help with decongestion and that it did lol, cwthed me up on sofa with films and hot drinks, painkillers and cuddles. I began feeling worse, weaker and I know why now… I haven’t felt able to admit when I am feeling poorly in this way, stiff upper lip and just getting on with it all has been the way for a long time, necessary even – until now. 

Being taken care of in this way allowed me to feel so enveloped in love, to feel so held in a way I hadn’t felt since I was a child and my grandparents looked after me. It allowed me to just simply be, in all the snotty mess I was. 

Having spent most of the day on the sofa resting I had dozed on and off feeling surrounded by such a warm feeling – healing. 

So roll on a few hours and I’m now tucked up in bed, topped up with painkillers, propped up due to my chest being so wheezy and just being. Feeling like crap but feeling loved. The boys have helped where they can and can see that I’m not well at all, easing off the pressure by making a cuppa for me, feeding the animals, cooking food etc. 

I will continue to rest, to recuperate and to paint whilst surrounded by the love of a man who loves me unconditionally, by my boys who make me smile and I will try to allow myself to be looked after. My motto for this year has been ‘why not?’ And I have had to apply this to today at times when I feel the urge to suck it up and do things, instead allowing the help offered and care, healing and love being given. 

Love heals, holds you and I know this through experiencing it now ❀️ 

Switching hats ….

The nature of the work I do, mediumship, is not something I take lightly. I worked last night at a church in Wiltshire serving them for a divine Sunday service and came away tired but also humbled by the evidence and message from those who have walked on ahead of us.

I come across many who say that what I do is fake, hocus pocus, make believe. Some of those people I have been close to and have had to step away from because of this. Having been thrust into the world of spirit work was a huge shift for me and it changed everything. It crumbled every belief system I had and left be bereft on the floor for a long time. 

I have had to give extremely sensitive information and evidence to prove life after physical death and it touches me deeply, profoundly. When you see people suffer here on the earth plane it makes you feel so much, and you must be grounded. This much I have learnt through it all.

It is a large responsibility to work in this way and at times I wonder if I can give enough to those who are in need of comfort and communication, I always give 100% of myself and if I can’t then I don’t work, that is simple. In knowing that those important loved ones are right beside me has been catagorically the single most important bit of fact I have found.

When I have finished working, I then put my mummy hat back on and get back on with my other job which is being a mummy. Sometimes it is hard to make that switch and can take a while to do so. 

So last night I picked the boys up on the way home after chris kindly drove to Wiltshire for me and back, I get them settled and I find the kettle and my pjs, just like so many other parents that work. I throw myself at the sofa and chill for a bit whilst answering private messages following on from the nights work and arrange 1-1 readings, and I just be. I can’t describe the thoughts and feelings that run through me as I sit alone, just an overwhelming humbleness that I have made a difference to even one person here on the earth plane or in the spirit world that has waited years to speak to their loved ones still here. 

I sometimes wonder if I am built for this kind of work, if I have the strength to continue to do so, I have sat with that for months. 

It is highly emotionally charged work and I hold it in the highest of intent and love knowing that if I am meant to work in this way, publicly on platform then I will do so. My learning never ceases because there is no end to learning. 

Roll  on 8 hours and I am sat up in bed with a cuppa after a rough night with the boys needs and I feel tired, but I know that I make a difference, I know that each of you make a difference in some way each and every day. So when your mind says to you that your not enough, (which mine does too) or someone actually says it (I get that too) then stop for a moment and look around you, as you are right there in that space and come back to the fact that you are seeing sheer incredible sights for you are alive to do so. 

Today is going to be a gentle day on myself as much ch as it can be in this house, for I am unique just as you are too, yet I am no different to you also – I am human too. 

Blessings x 

Bulimia and me….Β 

Loving yourself inside and out. What is that? What even is that?! 

I have had a huge shift about a month ago which I am slowly sinking into, a new way of being and doing. Up until now food has been something of an alien thing to me on a conscious level. Something that just is, no love for it, more of a tolerance of it.

You see i have battled bulimia for many years. For those who know me, my teeth are a constant reminder of that. A battle that I won and it lost. I was also borderline anorexic at one point in my life. I actually hated myself, my body. My breasts, my waist, my ass my legs. I hated it all and wished to be anyone except me…. that’s huge isn’t it! But it has been experienced and hold gratitude for all I have walked through for it has made me who I am today. 

Even though I got through the bulimia, I still had an unhealthy relationship with food. It no longer became about needing to harm myself, to punish myself but that I didn’t enjoy food so I could easily go days without eating, just didn’t feel hungry, not worth cooking for just me, a cuppa will fix it etc. Not good I know, but this is all I know and that is ok. Until now….

I suffer bloating much, to be fair I look like I am 15 months pregnant at times, people even ask me when I am due. That hurts – although I do look like a sexy non pregnant, preganant looking bloated woman lol. I could never figure it out and so I just accepted it and knew it came and went. Something clicked the weekend, I had served Andover spiritual church and was happily tucking into home made cake with fresh cream in alongside a cup of tea with milk and sugar. Within 10 minutes I had swelled, to uncomfortable proportions. 

My amazing man chris was driving which was cool as I was really feeling it from the bloating, it gets severe! 

I decided there and then I would cut out dairy, all dairy and brought some soya milk on way home. 

Roll on 5 days and I am not bloated, I have lost 3 inches round my waist and I am not missing dairy at all. Don’t get me wrong, I had a pissy flap when I suddenly thought I could never eat a creamy meal again but my bestie and my man both set me straight on that. 

Since this has happened I have also cut all sugar, all processed sugar. It was a natural turning away from it rather than intentional plan I had devised. That been a few days and I have felt rough today. Sweats and shakes and all that jazz. Chris came in as I was finishing cooking a healthy meal and sat and ate with me. Asking me how I felt afterwards once we had settled our bellies and I  didn’t feel sweaty and shaky – my blood sugars! 

I now need to be aware that my body, the beautiful vessel I have needs care and attention. It needs love and honouring. I have much love to give, I also now must give that also to me, to this incredible vessel that makes me alive. 

So I am following my intuitive self, listening to her, to myself and following her with love for myself….. have just run a Epsom bath that I shall sink into and chill. What a spiral I am on, around and around coming back to things until I have seen all I need to. 

I am gonna relax and be gentle till Sunday evening when I have work and am blessed to have awesome people in my life that support me in so many ways, I am also blessed to know I am beginning to love me… no buts. 

Blessings x 

The little things that make me love you …

As I sat at the table late last night I realised something…..

I looked around us, the glasses on the table, the list we had been making for our handfasting, the written material from a service earlier on in the evening. Upon looking up and seeing the most incredible being across the table, just being him with his amazing smile, intoxicating eyes that I am a very blessed woman. 

We could have been doing anything last night, we chose to sit together and make plans, followed by playing cards and laughing, connecting. So simple, yet so needed!

We do this often, we just stop and get off the high speed train of life in this society and instead choose to just be, together in all forms that takes. I suddenly knew ‘this is it!’ This is what so many never get to experience in a whole lifetime – someone who sees you completely, sees the messy hair on your head, the tired body in pjs, the uncontrolled belly laughter that can shake the toughest of days that roll on late into the dead of the night, these are the things that are seen and embraced, loved as much as the rest of it all. 

The waking up within the arms and love of someone who sees you all and it just makes them love you more – that is bliss, that is home, that my friends is what I have found. 

The vastness and void within….

When you set out on your journey you will soon realise you come across every differen type of terrain within your psyche, so many places far reaching. From the choppy waters of the sea that shape the coastal lines, to the barren land of the unrelenting desert, from the cold white lands of ice and void, to the sweet meadows full of vibrant life and abundant harvest, Continually walking close to the edge, close to the picket line that surrounds your comfort zone. 

It is not for everyone, it can feel to much for the most well travelled woman to journey within at times. You can feel lost yet you find so many pieces, fragments. These are yours to reclaim, these are you.

The sheer vastness of our psyche is like the horizon you will never quite reach, like a stream that seemingly wanders through and around in spirals dancing the land. When we feel we have established our base we sink further and further down the rabbit hole within. 

You find tools within that can help you in wanderings to come, from the blade that cuts the ice to the walking stick that steadies your foot on uneven ground. The storm that washes away, rips and tears at the parts that no longer serve to the sweet song of the land itself to the sythe that cuts the harvest in time for the long winters within. 

We are here, we are here to walk and wander through and through, reclaiming paieces that have been hidden and long forgotten within. It can lead you to be knee deep in mud of the treacherous forest carpet, with scorched feet from the endless steps through the desert to find shelter and steady ground of the flat lands. It will stretch you to you feel you will surely snap, into a million pierced that lay bare and naked, scattered amongst the stars above.

Walk on sister, stop when you need to. Rest a little and absorb the wonder that is you before you head onwards, journeying deeper and deeper. Do not fear the unknown for it is all within you, it is you. Dance when you need too, sing, sing when the feeling comes to you. Follow the beat of your womb space, forge into Unchartered territories that are you. For you are life itself. 

You may meet many within your travelling, some may seem terrifying, others may soothing your brow as you birth your mysteries. They each have a gift for you, a fragment of your being that enables you to continue forwards.

Gather sweet sisters for you have reason to be seen, you are life itself, what you see external to you is a mirror to your internal. The hustle and bustle, the seering silence is all within you awaiting your feet to step into. You are all seeing, you are the ones that couldn’t be kept down. 

You are womb-an, you are nature. Muster the strength you feel has eluded you and let yourself be heard, roar from within and be seen for the glorious being you are – life.

Blessings x 

Sacred sexuality – what’s all that about?

Sacred sexuality…. what’s all that about? Hmmm well it is something that I find myself coming back to over and over again. The use of my own sexuality to honour my own divinity and that of my incredible man too. 

I find it an interesting time with Lilith coming into my life currently, no longer allowing me to stay in my comfort zone as a woman, in the pursuit of reaching new depths of myself, healing traumas both in this lifetime and that of those gone by as well as those women who have walked before me. 

We see such taboo around sex, even now in the 21st century. A quick fix here, a bit of a fumble there but where is the depth? Where is the raw passion that causes us to loss track of time and space, in union with ourselves, with our beloved in a safe space. Why isn’t this spoken about!

For me, sacred sexuality brings us into ourselves, it causes a union above all else. It brings about the highest form of connection we can have. It is the ultimate creative energy, that can transmute, transform and bring about such bliss, understanding of ourselves it can show us such vividly enlightening times. 

Sex comes in many forms and I’m not in any way bashing the sweaty, full on fast paced and urgent primal needs that sit within each of us, absolutely nothing wrong with that at all – oioi lol. What I want to highlight though is the connection, the union that is so needed at this time. The goddess is awakening once again within the western culture and she is rising daily, she is running through our bodies and sometimes aching to allow her out. 

Breathe work! Yeah breathing is so important, not just because it keeps us alive but when you use your breath consciously within connections to yourself or loved one in making love you can merge so much stronger in my experience! They say the eyes are the gateway to the soul, do you look into the eyes of your loved one whilst you are consciously joining? This has been a challenge for myself and that’s ok but I have found that the connection you can achieve with the one for you, will be something above all else you have experienced. 

Some of my thoughts today as I sit with Lilith energy. There is so much I just speak about! We need to break the silence of so many taboos. Let’s do this one at a time.

Let’s go there…. 

blessings x

Lilith… a turn in the pathΒ 

I was hit last night during a visualisation by a huge wave of energy last night. Powerful enough to make me feel everything and yet nothing all at once. This was a visualisation with the goddess at conscious minds with guest speaker Lyn Thurman. 

I met Lilith, in all her juicy authentic self. I came face to face, palm to palm with her, barefoot and shin deep in water. Both clad in not much in the way of clothing other than leather wear. It was almost overwhelming!

I hadn’t been well for the past few weeks, I can’t seem to get my head back to how it was before the relapse, yet had it confirmed last night by a most amazing friend, and within the meditation, that this isn’t just relapse but a huge energy shift as well. 

Welcome Lilith! She came in as strong as Kali energy yet had a very different feel about her. I know that it is time for me to shed more layers in becoming my most authentic, raw and juicy side in all areas of my life. 

Whilst in the water well, within a roofless temple we we chanting whilst connecting on many levels, I could feel her pulsating through my veins, I could feel my womb space deeply and know that the work I am doing is leading me ever deeper to myself. 

Through the sacred sexuality, the free flowing creativity that is woman, I am being called to enter a new stage of authenticity within myself. This meeting has been long coming and now know she has been waiting a while for me to look up and see her right there in front of me.

I won’t be silenced anymore, I won’t silence myself for I have much to say. I feel it whirling within me like a knife cutting through ice. There has been a change that can be felt and I feel so at home, not intimidated but like it is time to allow this energy to bring about all that is needed at this moment. 

So sway my hips I shall, singing, chanting and calling to my sisters I will step into the space that is to be uncovered within. 

Lilith I welcome you into my life, into my being… it is time. 

Blessings x 

And so the unravelling continues …

It’s been a while since I blogged and that is for a few reasons. I have been unwell but also within that it has allowed time to journey a little more myself into my womb space,  within my life as it is now. You see I have come into a space with a most amazing man whom I have known for years now. 

In doing so, it is calling for me to look at many aspects of myself and call bullshit on some of my older belief systems. One of these is that it is not safe to sit firmly within my feminine for there must be a falling period. By this I mean I find myself having to look at the fact that it is now safe to let that go, to trust and know that he will and does hold the space for me to whirl in all my aspects of the feminine. 

That is not easy for me having sat predominantly within my masculine for many years, in my doing. It is time for me to see that I must heal those parts of me that have been wounded through toxic relationships gone by, by environmental suppression, in the knowing that within a balanced relationship it is safe to come out of hiding with all I bring from that feminine energy and lay it bare on the table in front of him and allowing that to be heard seen and held with divine love in return. 

It is allowing not the past to shape the future but to build creatively with another soul on all levels that union that is so needed and wanted. This can look messy, come on guys we are feeling our way through it all! It is also scary as hell, more beautiful than can be visualised and the most empowering place to be. 

We are embarking on our journey together in all that holds. One part of this is the work we are doing together. The videos of us both together discussing and unfolding what the balance of masculine and feminine looks like, how we can embody that within life in modern society, how we can honour both the feminine and masculine that dances like a flame to wick within. 

It also looks like the workshops we will and have done together and how that dance simply is, flowing in the ecstasy of sacred union between the both of us and how that is in turn flowing external to us, all around us. It just works! 

Having done much work on myself, within myself to shed later upon layer of shame, guilt, out of date belief systems, ancestral wounds, parent wounds, I am able to see what others have been saying. That I am in such a different space now than 4 years ago, a year ago, 6 months ago even. That is the key, that everything is fluid and everything flows. Stagnancy is no longer an option for me and sometimes it is a case of not fighting the flow of the white river rafting waters within and instead just being, and in doing so I don’t drown but effortlessly flow along. 

I have found that when you have that safe space to be held for all you are, with absolutely no buts, that you can pull deeper threads of you to the surface to be seen in all their vibrancy. 

Also that when you are that safe space for your man to do the same, you can see the unfolding of something magnificent: the sacred feminine and the divine masculine rising, entwined and dancing like the leaves within an autumn breeze. 

So here we are! Chris and I have made a video, that took much courage for me as I am still shedding my own shit about being seen. Holding that space and my hand to allow my own truths to be heard and in doing so empowering him to do the same. Mutual respect, a deep knowing that this is needed, we need and want to share that wisd m that has been covered for many moons. 

By being courageous in our knowing, we are stepping into the natural progression of our journeys, together. 

Team love ❀️